Mental Health,  Music,  Time

“Are you suggesting I try…Shrooms?”

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For months, I’d held on to 2 grams of mushrooms. Nick & I planned to set aside 6 hours out of the day to just…experience. He broke down his outlook on it pretty well.

Nick: I feel like psychedelics changed a lot about my view on EVERYTHING. I remember watching that documentary together, and I’m a full on believer in sparse usage. I thought for a long time about how I can show you what I’ve experienced and know for a while now. If you’re open to it, the most obvious way has already been introduced.

Me: Are you suggesting I try Shrooms?

Nick: Not so much a suggestion as an invitation. It’s an experience I’d be interested in sharing with you when the chance arises, knowing what I do about them now.

Me: I’m invited? How nice of you.

Nick: Was that sarcasm?

Me: No.

Nick: Okay. I want to share more of my life with you than I have been, and that became an important experience.

Me: Okay. I’m down to experience more with you. I wonder if my outlook on the world will change or just broaden.

Nick: Cool. I feel you’ll appreciate it. For me, I think it more broadened my views on the world and changed my outlook and mindset. The trick is, when/if you get introspective on your trip, don’t fight it. You’ll learn more about yourself than you thought was even there, and everything changes from that moment forward.

Me: I can do that. I believe it may be the path I am on now or at least trying to be.

Nick: I’m sure it is. The universe is teaching me about patience and timing. I’m sure that has something to do with why this came up now. When you’re open enough to the experience, they can be a powerful aid on that path. The universe has been really good about letting me make a fool out of myself when I don’t pay attention to it. I’d be a fool not to believe/listen after everything it’s put me through. The patience part is always hardest to follow, but bit by bit, I’m gaining the understanding of why everything that’s in my life/has happened is important.

Me: Good. Acceptance was a longer process than I imagined it would be for me.

Nick: It’s all a longer process than I’d like, but that seems to be the point of it all. Time is a concept we made up, and the universe doesn’t subscribe to it.

That was enough for me. Over the next few months our relationship was rocky and we became less connected.

I wanted to try Shrooms with at least 2 more friends that either felt very similar or wanted to. Unfortunately, our schedules made this a real challenge. I planned once more with one of my friends. She had just had a break through and finally recorded her first verse in the studio. She was so relieved and I know it felt right.

Saturday, November 11, I picked them up in Dallas. The woman that sold them to me, Nick referred to as his spiritual advisor. She described different kinds of trips and what to do and not do before eating them.

Our discussion beyond that wasn’t just casual conversation either. She had a British accent that also made her pleasingly easy to hear out. I’d heard her on videochat with Nick before. She was talking to my girls, which she had already met before. I could tell they were comfortable talking to her. Even when passing by and hearing Nick and her on the phone, I could hear she was full of wisdom. They ended all of their conversations with “I love you” She was also the creator of the artwork on his recently released album.

“Black Art: Loop Theory”

black art loop theory

I showed up to my friend’s place and went over the information I was given. The plan was to eat something light, do not drink and smoke until after we’re a few hours into the trip.

We ate the shrooms at 8:00 I took a drink before that, thinking a little won’t hurt. An hour later we smoked and we were pretty excited, dancing around her house. She invited me to see “Currensy” in concert but later found out her friend was no longer going. I told her we can go out anyway to just dance and experience. I felt pretty good. I let everything I took control my body and mind. She danced, and talked about the room spinning, seeing colors and how different her hands looked and felt. I laughed thinking I haven’t tripped hard enough yet. I invited 2 friends to go out with us. I had already given them a time we would be there. It was about an hour and a half before that time. Neither one of us were ready, plus I had to go back home first. She began asking a bunch of questions making little to no sense. Where are we going again? You feel like getting ready? I don’t want you to leave me; can I pack a bag and come with you? I was fine with whatever she wanted. Then it turned into “I don’t think we should go but I don’t want you to leave either. Can you even drive? I can’t.”

I, on the other hand, started to get deeper into my own trip. I had seen my future. I was able to visually see all things holding me back, separate from where I was headed now. I thought to myself, I can do anything right now! She started speaking out loud again. “I just want it to stop, this doesn’t feel good. I feel like Shrooms were just fun to talk about and that’s it!” I realized I needed to come down a little to understand and be there for someone who was obviously having a bad trip. I text my other friend that I needed to be there for her and we aren’t going anymore.
All I could think about is the album “CTRL” & “Trip” She was losing it. I said “You have to let go and stop trying to control it yourself.”

sza

She kept apologizing and felt terrible she was ruining my night. I could tell she felt uncomfortable and out of place with me there. Typically, when I feel that way I try to make sure the other person can feel normal around me or inch my way out of the door but since I let the trip take control, I just told her how I felt and to stop trying to control it. After a while I knew I needed to call Nick. We had not talked in a couple weeks and I was slightly annoyed about how he was going about everything at the moment. I made sure she would be okay if I stepped outside. She said “Yes.” surprisingly.

I sat in the Jeep and texted him first. I started to cry but I wasn’t really sure why. He let me know he was stepping away from the studio from working with an artist. I called but got voicemail, he called back. I told him I was on Shrooms.

“Ohhhh, everything okay? How do you feel?”

“I can see everything including my current place and my future.”

I explained that I was already in tune with myself and what l want to do with my life. I also mentioned the past week and how challenging it had become to properly function at a 9-5 job while writing/blogging. I didn’t agree with how he left his job but I understood how unbearable it can get. I told him I want my book published. I went on to say our current state was a mess but I’m letting the universe have it. That I stopped trying to control “this” a long time ago but this trip experience confirmed it. I was no longer bitter about our current circumstance and I just wanted us to grow and develop as people-whether that meant us being apart or not.

Nick explained how appreciative he was that I called him and how confident he was that it would take me to that place.

“I’m glad you are having the experience you wanted/needed. You’ll have questions/concerns as you work to keep that energy. Don’t hesitate to ask for advice. I didn’t always have the answers, but the universe has shown me a lot recently, and I feel it’s my duty to share what I know.”

We talked more about my friend in the house and his spiritual advisor-then the call was over.

When I came back into her apartment she was on the phone and a lot calmer. I made sure she was good to go before I left. As I was walking back outside to my Jeep I still felt unstoppable. If it were freezing outside it wouldn’t have fazed me. If it were scorching hot I still wouldn’t have complained. I drove home and started to see colors along with blurred vision. My view was similar to how I used to see before I had my corneal transplant. I looked at it like what I’m currently seeing is the reality of my life but how I’m handling it was how things were ultimately going to turn out. So I took that risk. I was still pretty anxious and dancing  so I wanted to go out. I came home, changed clothes, did my hair and even called my other friend back that I cancelled on earlier. She said she was still down too. My girl that had the bad trip happened to message me to make sure I was alright. We both eventually agreed to still go out. My body was telling me drink some water but my mind went for Patron. Before I realized it, I was laid out, in my bed coming down from the trip. It was now 6am  and my stomach was in so much pain. My entire body was on fire! I knew I shouldn’t have drank anything and ate more than just Cheez-its before things got out of hand. I stayed in bed the entire day but I did end up on the phone talking to my friend about our experience.

She expressed how she felt on mushrooms and what she read about bad trips and psychedelics online. Everything she mentioned I had heard before or felt myself. I told her that I was having an awesome trip because I am already in tune with myself and “Control” There are so many things in my life out of my control that I have chosen to not stress about and release but there’s much more I am in control of like losing weight, creating my own happiness and finally getting rid of writer’s block; all the things that genuinely make me a happier me. We talked about her personal goals and I suggested that if she wants a better trip next time, its relevant that she work on those and go for what she really wants in life. We were both in agreeance and also very ill from that night. We decided to end the call to write about our experience. We automatically knew this was not our last trip.

The next day I thought about that call I made to Nick. It was like no questions asked I have to call him! I also woke up to another text from him the next morning. I thought: Wow, how confusing will things keep getting if I text back and continue this? A couple days from now he will do something that drives me insane so I should probably just lay off a little bit.

I then looked online to see he released a new song.

I’m Okay, I Promise. Just Talk To Me – SoundCloud
Listen to I’m Okay, I Promise. Just Talk To Me by TheNickLewis #np on #SoundCloud

Followed by the caption: Thoughts for today.

Yes, I went to Soundcloud. Yes, it was fire…so I shared it.

Way to keep the confusion going, Naubby! 👍

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