Frustrated by R.LUM.R
“Here I go talking ’bout the same thing; in and out as quick as you can fade away. It don’t matter what I say if you want me to chain you to the sky, oh my. You give me your kaleidoscope in monochrome. So unlike the way you color me at home. Some days it’s so vivid. But mostly I would rather be blind.”
He also continues to mention throughout the song:
“It never seems like you’re the one that has to choose.”
R.LUM.R’s speaking about pursuing his career in music and everything else in his life that’s keeping him from it or causes him to feel he shouldn’t go forth with it.
R.LUM.R’S voice is beautiful, so that sound alone caught my attention driving home from work that day. After a few replays I was able to disregard flow and rhythm to hear him out.
It was the same day I spent at least 6 hours going back and forth with Nick about the same situation. The timing of it was so called for because I was tense all day. I was on edge that he & I couldn’t come to an understanding… still! But R.LUM.R is not Nick and “Frustrated” made it much easier for me to look past the facts and history in our own relationship by hearing another artist’s perspective.
Of course great music calms me down. After replaying a few more times I was now so calm I was able to put myself in his shoes.
An upcoming Dallas Artist/Producer going through life in his own version of balancing. Nick grew up in a small stereotypical town in East Texas, graduated high school at the top of his class and attended the University of Austin. After two years of college and soul searching he dropped out and moved here with me. We experienced a lot together & I always admired his work, I eventually persuaded him and he decided to pursue his career in music. When I met Nick, I knew he was different. And strangely enough I saw us building an entire life together before I even knew exactly what I wanted to do with my own. I ended up pursuing him. When I finally was able to look him in the eyes, I was able to read through his awkwardness. I understood that he had so much more to offer than the way he came across to others. Nick is typically one of the smartest people in the room but not many would ever know since he leans mostly towards his introverted side. Plus, he is extremely modest. He always reminded me of the quote that “If you’re the smartest person in the room then you’re in the wrong room.” So he aimed to surround himself with individuals that pushed him to his full potential. He was always a “go with the flow” kind of guy. But over the year’s we were together, that started to seep out of him without him actually saying so. He created friendships with individuals very much in tune with themselves. He read enlightening books and watched eye opening documentaries that created a mind altering/expanding experience. This experience later transpired into a lifestyle and brought forth a desire to pursue everything his heart desired, no matter who or what else needed his attention at the time. He was creating his own happiness and allowing the universe to speak to him. This became priority in his life, the universe and his calling.
During the day, before his 2-11pm shift, at a job he despises, after getting absolutely no sleep, he takes care of our girls. He also cares for them on his off days and partial care during the week until I arrive. Then he’s off in the night to Dallas to perform, create, impress and network. He only sleeps and eats when he feels it’s necessary. Nick’s in the studio all night, then back to the same routine in the morning. All while trying to make ends meet and love someone like me. There’s a lot of opportunity he misses working this job and when he requests off in advance he gets the run around, right up until the day before he has to perform. The answer is “No” There’s no HR on site. And management is never available. It doesn’t even pay well. The schedule just worked to keep the best, affordable child care for our girls.
When he’s home, so are the girls and the rest of his household responsibilities. There’s no time to practice, the setting is off & there is no creative space. When I come home he knows I am exhausted too. I want his attention but Dallas waits. Nick’s got opportunities in front of him and after some time he mentally leaves his family. He feels disconnected but he doesn’t speak up. As the behavior continues- we split, his work is stolen and he loses his Aunt all within the same week. He starts talking to other woman who were there for him when in need and showed up to shows I could never attend. He completely stopped showing up to his job without telling anyone. He then decided to move to California not knowing which direction would work in his favor. While in California he and his friends looked forward to completing some work & hopefully get signed.
Within, just a couple weeks, all things begin to crumble in California. He figures out his roommate is a Russian child molester, living in a half done house that gets frequently broken into. The police can search and trash the place whenever they feel like it. The Russian owned a cat you can’t touch (or else he attacks) He lived in the house without electricity in the room and battling his ex-wife over ownership. Nick’s stress level is through the roof and he begins to question every sudden move he made.
Nick decides that he refuses to live that way so he stays with some friends there, who he can only stay with for a few days.
He asks to come back home to Dallas and his family but the way he left us will not allow this to happen, so he ends up back in his hometown-Texarkana.
Within two months of being there he feels he has learned enough from the experience that he is ready to return home. He expects to make things work with his family but he’s done so much damage it won’t be that easy. He goes back and forth with me every day until we’re both losing it and find it hard to show love for one another. We grew even more apart from each other and he begins to look at following his dreams as something he must do in spite of me instead because of me. So we both agree to just focus on the well-being of the girls. Every day he tries to get me to see that every move he makes is for his family and none of us will ever have work for someone else if it’s up to him. Going through all of this, he is still learning how to love someone he hurt while following his dreams to become the best version of himself.
It didn’t take much for me to put myself in Nick’s shoes. I knew exactly what he was going through. But it did take “Frustrated” to grasp this is beyond difficult for both of us. Through everything, I understood that we were being tested & the journey was already destined to be the way it turned out. Our entire lives were already drawn out and pieced together, it was just up to us to choose whether we were going to walk in our purpose or not. A lot of people would ask me “What’s going on between you two?” Some days I could explain it and some days I couldn’t. At first I thought I was just full of too much emotion to make sense of it but the more I learned about myself and focused on my own happiness, I understood why I could never really be as upset with him as I wanted to be. I was inspired. I didn’t agree with a lot of his decisions and lack of communication but I was proud of him and how much he had grown over the years. We were originally two people that just wanted each other to be happy. Everything we did was to please each other. But in reality, it was a waste of energy; you can’t make someone else happy, no matter how hard you try. We are all responsible for our own happiness. And he was doing that, it involved a painful process and acceptance of our circumstance but how many people were actually making this happen, by all means necessary? I couldn’t name a single person. Majority, were settling for the next best thing. I just felt like if life was going to take us on this emotional rollercoaster to where we lose our minds- whether we were pursing our dreams or not, then why not let it be worth it in the end? Trust me; it took a lot of growth to reach this point but I ultimately decided that the remainder of that summer I was only going to focus on being more positive and try my damnedest to be a light in a dark place for him; even when my own place felt much darker.